Every person ever on Cheaters after finding out their spouse is cheating on them even though they had enough suspicion to hire the services of a nationally syndicated TV show called Cheaters & a team of private investigators to find out whether or not their spouse is cheating on them.
Its been a hectic week. Really trying to get my auto bio done but I’ve been sidetracked by numerous things, the least of which is Foxs’ around the clock dedication to Chef Ramsay. Can’t wait for Hells Kitch tonight! Its gonna be soooooo good. Ramsay gets to be a badass again like Billy Gunn. I mean I like Masterchef and all but theres only so much “amazingness” you can take. Everythings the most amazing thing to that guy. “The most amazing filet of Salmon”. “Whitneys cookbook has the most amazing grilled catfish”. I don’t throw around amazings so easily. I find very few things in this world achieve amazingness. Only 1 thing actually. I find it amazing how stupid the people on my route are. Thats it! I don’t even find the Amazing Spiderman to be amazing. Spectacular maybe but to me hes just spidey or the webslinger. If i got bit by a spider and could do super spider stuff I woulda named myself Webster. Get it? But I didn’t so thats irrelevant. I also find the Amazing Jonathan to be quite amazing.
So most of my week has been dedicated to my top secret movie script I’ve been writing. I don’t want to let the secret out yet but stay reading my blog in the future to find out the concept the title and the stars in it. Its called Over The Top and its a remake of the classic Stallone flick by the same name. It stars Vin Diesel!!! Really psyched about Vin doing the flick. I wrote his character with a shirt on for the first half of the movie. Vin really likes to switch it up to show that hes a method actor. Thats something the public doesn’t know about Vin. He likes to get immersed in his character. He gained 2 lbs for the role and spent a whole week hanging out with people who wear shirts. Such dedication! The people he hung with were GREAT sports. I mean It’s gotta get annoying explaining sleeves to a 40 year old man 6 times a day but they did it. Thanks again guys! Was thinking of changing the script from arm wrestling to thumb wrestling. If Vins wearing a shirt theres def gonna be a part where his sleeve rips while hes wrestling. Then we either gotta get him a new shirt or let him wear the ripped one. I bet Vin will suggest he wears no shirt & then we’ll look at eachother and I’ll say “you promised” and he’ll give me a small elbow nudge to the midsection and we’ll both share a good laugh between chums. But deep down I’ll be in some good pain in my midsection, but I cant let Vin know that. I bet Vin gets his way and doesn’t have a shirt on by the end of the film. He’s sneaky like that. Hey, who could blame him, it gets hot when your Over The Top. Ask Stallone.
If I die tonight I just want everybody to know I went out the way I always knew I would: Coming home from a casino on a bus full of senior citizens who think Rodney Dangerfield is John Candy and is “soooo funny” while watching ‘Back To School’ on six 5 inch flatscreens with a 300 lb man who smells like he’s decomposing leaning against my shoulder and snoring. Never knew Wayne from the Wonder Years played young Rodney in the opening scene. Makes sense…he never really got much respect as a kid. Keep snoring and smelling, idiot next to me. I don’t need to breathe to exist or anything. Hopefully he gets off at the first stop or at least before Rodney joins the swim team. Wish me luck!
Ya know who really sucks at life. The Pringles guy. Is it just me or do I really hate his face. I mean c’mon…chips come in a bag you superdouche. That way you can trick people into thinkin the bags full & you can throw some burnt crumblers off the assmbly line floor in there. Cmon. This pompus ass acts like hes runnin shit over there in Pringles but I beg to diff. If that was the case then the newest flavor would be ‘big stashes & bowties’ if ya know what I mean. Bowtie? Thats your gimmik, a bowtie? Give it up man. Roger Klotz called he want’s his haircut back. SUCK IT! What? You dont have a mouth behind that monster stache. Cmon guy, do somethin with your frickin life besides bein a fancy boy on snack tubes. Go back to school & get a degree or join the peace corps or be a fireman or something. Just stop trying to convince us your the Monopoly guy. That guy actually did something with his life & convinced a lot of people that by building a hotel on the boardwalk, you win. And you know what…I’ve been to the boardwalk in Atlantic City & you know who has a hotel there…Trump. Thats right, and Trump is a winner, I know cuz he says so. He knows how to handle larger than life celebrities like Sharon Osborn & Darryl Strawberry. I bet Pringles guy wouldn’t last 1 day on celebrity apprentice. He’d be too busy fluffin his mustace & straightening his bowtie while Alfonso Ribiero, MC Lyte, & Elvira are raising money for children with peanut allergies. Poor Mr. Peanut. I think Pringles allergies should be a thing instead. But life doesn’t work that way.
When i’m not delivering mail, listening to the Wu-Tangs or soul searching I spend most of my time thinking about the cavemen. Not the car insurance cavemen but the ones that used to invent wheels and stuff back when the dinosaurs existed. Im not talkin about the TGIF “not the mama” dinosaurs but the real killer dinos from Jurassic Park that used to spit in Newmans face. Im not talkin about Lemonade Newman, I mean the Newman from Seinfeld who also delivered letters. And by letters I dont mean letters of the alphabits or alphabet soup…I mean letters in envelopes with important stuff like coupons to buffets & dry cleaning inside. Where was I? Oh yeah…cavemen. I wonder if cavemen feared zombie cavemen. Probably. Their brains weren’t as advanced but probably just as tasty to zombies. Im not talking about neanderthol zombies cuz thats ridiculous. Ya know, just your basic human, fire inventor, cavemen zombies. I bet those stupid cavemen didn’t even know the zombies were called the zombies. They probably just called em “ooga boogas” cuz thats what the cavemen called everything. And thats why the zombies were so mad in the first place. I wonder if the Flinstones worried about zombies. Barney was pretty carefree but I could definately see Fred losing some sleep over possible zombies. Lets face it. It was all about Fred to Fred. Pretty shallow existence if you ask me. Wilma deserved more & frankly Barney deserved a better best bud if you ask me. But don’t we all. I bet if Rob Zombie directed the Flinstones movie there would’ve been a lot more blood & a lot less Moranis. But he didn’t.
Hey guys! Ya hear about that new deep fried Kool Aid? Sounds really delish right? Best of both worlds…high class beverage & some fine cuisine all in one. I think we’re really evolving as a human race. This is definately what the prophets & the Ancient Aliens from tv were talking about back in BC when they were schooling the cavemen to all that future & technology crap. They knew this day would come. I wonder what Slimer thinks of this. I mean maybe if he did something with his life he could’ve gotten Ecto Cooler into to world of deep fryness. Hi-C was world class stuff in its hayday but the fancy gimmicks and love affairs with flash in the pan celebs like ol Slimey couldn’t stand up to time tested American wonder like Mr. Kool Aid guy himself. I wonder what would happen if you tried to deep fry the Kool Aid guy. He would probably just become Louie Anderson. Either that or he would just immediatelly burn to death from being immersed in boiling hot grease. Just kidding thats ridiculous…Kool Aid men can’t die. He would definately just become Louie Anderson.
Hey guys! Been real busy lately writing my auto biography or as we in the business call it my auto-bio. Its really coming along well. Its all about the days I spent delivering mail. And by spent I mean still spend now cuz its not like I quit my job or something and stopped showing up with no backup plan at all cuz that would be stupid. That clearly didn’t happen. What are you guys talking about? Today was book jacket photo shoot day. Publisher are real sticklers about having a good cover. Something you really don’t think about before you start writing a book. I figure we’d just have a plain cover like the original Moby Dick or the Bible. My favorite thing about the bible is that right in the middle of it theres a chapter of Psalms which are basically songs. Who does that?! Jesus was all over the place when he wrote that book. But he knew that you didn’t need a good cover. Ya know its all whats inside that counts. Can’t judge a book by its cover right? WRONG! You can judge a book by its cover. Remember Judge Ito? I betcha he was a good judger of books covers. All Asian Lances are. Him or Mills Lane, except I would’t be so sure if Ol Millsie could read or not. He was just a fun lovin guy who really loved being on TV. Not so sure he took the whole law thing as serious as he could’ve. Where was I? Oh yeah. Publishing houses want a “hilarious” picture full of foolishness and sophomoric hijinx as the cover to my book. Is that all my Auto Bio is to you guys? A joke? Well to make a long story short the shoot was going fine until what I like to call “The Mustache Mishap” went down. Now I’m not going to get into specifics of what happened. I’ll leave that up to your imagination. But lets just say at the end of the day we had to cancel the shoot & go with a stock photo of Fablio riding a horse into the sunset as the cover of my book. Oops did I mispell Fabio? Nope, Its Fablio…the bootleg Fabio with a receding hairline and a mean fu-manchu. Also the stallion was just that mini horse from Parks & Rec that died. But the picture was obviously taken before the horse died of course. Actually, no It wasn’t & Fablio is also a midget. So ya, the cover of my book is a receding hairlined, fu-manchu wearing, sassy midget riding a dead mini horse into the sunset. And by into a sunset I mean towards a Taco Bell but we’re trying to find an airbrushing artist who could touch that up for us. I have faith that the Taco Bell will be a sunset by the time the book hits the shelves. Or at least in time for the paperback. Not too happy about the whole Fablio thing but hey, to get the real Fabio it woulda costed me $12 more and in this economy…
I definately ate my fair share of pepperoni & animal crackers yesterday. Thats for sure. Nobody ever buys animal crackers but when they’re there you gots to eat those. They’re just sitting there like little animals without a home. So sad. Well i know just the place for you little friends to reside. A beautiful place furnished with plenty of pepperonis, onion bread, nutella, sodies and indigestion. Down the hatch you go like it or not. Thats what you get for being bite sized & sneakily delicious you idiots. I’ve never seen a rhinocerous anywhere besides in animal cracker form. Do they even exist? Don’t get me wrong, I still wanna see em as animal crackers, but I would just like to see a few more real ones sprinkled in here & there in everyday life. I feel like if I just saw a giant rhino walking through times square my first reaction would be to eat it like a cracker…and thats not the message we should be sending our kids. Is it? I dunno. One thing I gotta give animal crackers though is that they’re not afraid to fill that bag up to the max. You pay a dollar for the generics at the dollar store and your gonna get a FULL bag o’ those babies…to the top. Not like cheetos where you get home open the bag & its only like 46% full and your like “wheres the rest”. Maybe thats why they’re called cheetos anyway…they cheat you outta half the bag. Just kidding, they call em Cheetos cuz Chester Cheetah makes em with sunglasses on. I wonder if they make him wear a hair net on his whole body while working on the cheeto assembly line. Probably just on his head and thats bullshit in my book cuz when I used to work in a kitchen they made me wear one on my hair and one on my mustache. But that was pre 9/11 and it was a different world back then. Ahhh Different world. I bet Dwayne Wayne still wears flip shades. Was that a spin off of the Cosby’s? You ever notice that none of Cosbys kids looked anything like him & he delivered babies for a living. Just something to think about. Got off topic a bit where was I? Oh yeah…Subway should make an animal cracker grinder.
Have you ever done anything nice for somebody else? Ya, me neither. Well It’s about time one of us did. Get on your high horse & donate a canned good or a bag of cereal to your mailman this Saturday to help stamp out hunger. Get it, stamps…like the things you put on your mail. Haha…clever. One reason I like to donate stuff is so I can bring it up to other people who didn’t donate stuff & make them feel bad. And isn’t that what lifes all about, looking down at people & making em feel bad. Plus I feel guilty cuz no one on my route would dare donate anything to anybody. But I’ll sure eat my fair share of free pizza we get for helping out with the food drive. Plus sodies. Cokes my fav but Dr. Peppers my fav. Remember this Saturday leave it out by your mailbox. Do the right thing for a change. I know I might.